Cliff Lee is Signing, but Chivalry is Dead

A Call to Arms: Stand up for the honor of your maiden!

Cliff Lee, the cool-as-ice lefty that is the #1 free agent target in the offseason, has a crucial choice to make in less than 48 hours: do I spend the waning years of my stellar pitching career in the wide-open plains of no-income-tax Texas, or do I permanently tarnish the good name and social standing of my wife? Allow me to explain.

During Game 3 of the ALCS in New York, Lee’s wife, Kristin, was harassed in the stands during the game, presumably as a result of the fact that her husband has owned, demolished, and embarrassed their beloved Yankees in every postseason matchup against him to date. The fans threw beer at her, yelled obscenities in her direction, and spit on her. SPIT ON HER?!

*Cue stopping turn table sound effect*

Maybe the beer was accidentally knocked off the edge or poorly prepared and distributed by the vendor; and hey, we all yell obscenities at nothing particular throughout the day, maybe some people had just had particularly bad days and were cursing the heavens in the direction of an innocent, honorable young maiden. But spitting on her: intentional! Targeted! BLASPHEMOUS!

Now: surely Cliff Lee, upon hearing about this incident, went on a Man-On-Fire-esque rampage throughout New York, questioning every person involved, every fan that was in attendance that day, until he discovered the ultimate villain that had so defiled and dishonored his wife. Surely vigilante justice was served, and the Yankees fans were served notice: chivalry is not dead. Honor must be upheld. And if you dare spit on my wife ever again, your fate shall be a similar one!

“No, I don’t know the guy that did it. It could be anyone. Who knows? Who cares?,” Lee said. “They’re at home right now.”

*Cue stopping turn table sound effect, turn table being ripped from wall and thrown into wall*

WHAT?! This, certainly, must be some impostor that made that quote; someone posing as Cliff Lee, someone that would allow his maiden’s honor to be so tarnished and disrespected.

“I brush that off as fans being fans. You can’t control 50,000 people and what they’re going to do,” Lee said Tuesday, the day before pitching Game 1 of the World Series for Texas. “There were some people that were spitting off the balcony on the family section and things like that, and that’s kind of weak, but what can you do?”

*Cue shattering glass sound effect, as America’s honor, values, and chivalry plummet to their death*

What can you do, Cliff Lee? What can YOU DO?! Need I remind you that Menelaus, king of Sparta, went to war for ten years when his wife was stolen from him by the pretty-boy Paris of Troy? Maybe it would take C.C. Sabathia eating his wife to stir some sort of emotion in his gut.

Now, I understand perfectly well the temptation that is brought with a 10-year, $973 million contract that is going to be offered to Cliff Lee in person by Brian Cashman with a team of masseuses and exotic animals at the stroke of midnight Monday. However, if he is any kind of gentleman, if he has any sort of respect for his wife and believes in defending her honor and integrity, then he absolutely can’t go to New York and allow the man who spit on his wife to get away with this transgression. Talk to Alex Rodriguez…oh wait, he cheated on his wife with Madonna. Ask Derek Jeter….wait, he got engaged and immediately forgot how to play baseball.

Nevermind, Cliff, go pour a beer on your wife and take the money.

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