The Top 5: Stadiums in MLB

Sometimes you just don’t care who’s playing. You don’t care what the score is and you don’t care how many strikeouts the pitcher has. Instead, you care about the smell of the grass, the leg room in front of you, and the seventh inning stretch. You just want to sit in the sun and breath in the fresh summer air while you drink a $9 beer.

That’s why this week’s list is:

The Top 5: Stadiums in MLB

Dan Sweatt

1. Wrigley Field – It’s a no brainer for me. The Called Shot, Bartman, Rookie Of The Year; the sport’s biggest moments happened here.
2. Fenway Park – The house that the Idiots built; it’s legendary.
3. Yankee Stadium – It’s kind of like Disney World; it’s over the top, it’s gaudy, and you really wish you had it in your city.
4. Turner Field – I cannot stand the team that plays there, but a nice suit on a turd is still a nice suit.
5. AT&T Park – A splashdown bomb to right field (pictured left) is arguably the most picturesque blast in the game right now, so the Giants’ abode gets my nod here.

Evan Hill

1. Wrigley Field – HISTORY! There’s just something about going to a stadium that has been around for just short of a full century. It adds a whole new aspect to the game.
2. Fenway Park – HISTORY! (see above)
3. Petco Park – Maybe it’s because you’re watching a game in the middle of an always perfect climate, but this place is fantastic.
4. Miller Park – A retractable roof, perfect dimensions, great seating, a giant slide and a sausage race. What’s not to love?
5. Safeco Field – I’m a sucker for retractable roofs, what can I say?

Michael Ferrera

1. Fenway Park – I’m from Massachusetts. So speaking objectively, this is a unique ball park with an incredible amount of history. Speaking subjectively, Fenway Pahhhk is tha greatest pahhk in the waaahhld.
2. Wrigley Field – I took my Mom to a game here and she leaned over to me during the 6th inning and said, “This is the way you’re supposed to watch baseball.”
3. AT&T Park – I enjoy watching grown men in kayaks fight over home run balls.
4. Dodger Stadium – There was a stretch in the early 2000′s when it felt like the Dodgers were on Sunday Night Baseball every week (right around 2001 when Paul Lo Duca almost had more HRs than SOs). Watching a night game from Dodgers Stadium makes me think of those summers.
5. Nationals Park – It’s brand new, but I think it’s a pretty nice place to watch a game (pictured right). There were no T-Shirt cannons while I was there.

Obviously, a number of stadiums didn’t make our lists. Anything you take issue with? Throw your own list in the comments section below. We’ll be back next week with an all new top 5.

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The Top 5: Worst Names in Baseball

If baseball were grade school, things would be a hell of a lot different. Fewer home runs, more complaining, and the addition of boxed lunches. Most importantly, there’d be a lot of teasing. So let’s pretend we’re little kids again with this week’s list:

The Top 5: Worst Names in Baseball

Michael Ferrera

1. Lou Merloni – He’ll loan you some money, but he’s gonna need you to do him some favors…
2. Thurman Munson – This is a name that could belong to a man built like a brick wall or a nerd with taped glasses.
3. Kirby Puckett – Hailing from the planet Pop Star where he lives in a dome-shaped house in the Kingdom of Dream Land.
4. Vladimir Guerrero – New age Bond villain. Equal parts Ivan Drago and Pablo Escobar.
5. Covelli Loyce “Coco” Crisp – Awesome nickname, awesome-er real name.

Brennan Lowery

1. Asdrubel Cabrera – The kid in me can’t help but giggle every time I hear Asdrubel, which just sounds like a swampy butt.
2. Boof Bonser – He epitomizes “looking like your name,” Boof Bonser sounds like a chunky, white redneck, and sure enough: Boof!
3. Coco Crisp – It’s bad enough that this is a cereal our fat children are eating, but to be named after this unhealthy morning chocolate bomb is a travesty that no mother can be forgiven for.
4. Dick Pole – Is it worse to hit it off the foul pole or the dick pole? And what sort of flag flies from a dick pole? If your team has a walk-off win, do they tear down the dick pole? Or let all the air out of it? Dick Pole.
5. Rusty Kuntz – I am afraid to even try and write a joke about this.

Jonathan Gardner

1. Cannonball Titcomb
2. Urban Shocker
3. Johnny “Ugly” Dickshot
4. Heathcliff Slocumb
5. Coco Crisp

Evan Hill

1. Catfish Hunter – Probably the least dangerous animal to hunt.
2. Delino Deshields – Strange name, but he was still cool enough to rock the high socks.
3. Kosuke Fukudome – If you sound out the last name, it’s quite offensive.
4. Darwin Barney – His resume reads: lame name, backup infielder, lonely.
5. Quinton McCracken – Even if you look past the last name, his first name is Quinton? Oof.

Check us out on Twitter @DugoutDoctors

The Top 5: Underrated Players in MLB

Sometimes life just isn’t fair. You work twenty-some years to become a Major League Baseball player, only to be drafted by the Pirates. Even if you hit .400, nobody is going to learn your name. Well here’s your chance at recognition, because this week’s list is:

The Top 5: Underrated Players in MLB

Tom Geiger

1. Shin-Soo Choo, OF, Cleveland Indians: Choo is every bit as effective as a healthy Grady Sizemore, though he doesn’t pull in quite as many female ticket holders.
2. Adam Dunn, 1B, Washington Nationals: Everybody knows who Dunn is, but more often than not the guy is criticized for his high strikeout rate (199 Ks last season). Dunn has consistently put up great power numbers (354 career homers at age 31) and always seems to get on base (.381 career OBP).
3. Colby Rasmus, CF, St. Louis Cardinals: Rasmus is young, and chances are he’ll be an all star in the near future (I would argue that he was snubbed this past season). For now, he’s quietly putting up impressive numbers and could easily be a five tool players with a little improvement on the base paths.
4. Gio Gonzalez, SP, Oakland Athletics: Like Rasmus, Gonzalez’ lack of experience is probably the only reason he’s relatively unrecognized. He and Trevor Cahill will continue to headline an up-and-coming Athletics staff in 2011.
5. Casey McGehee, 3B, Milwaukee Brewers: Though McGehee is a late bloomer and might not be a large factor in the long run, he has put up very respectable numbers in his first 1,000 ABs and is rarely mentioned amidst a potent Brewers lineup.

Michael Ferrera

1. Trevor Cahill – If he pitched for the Yankees/Red Sox/Phillies/Mets, Rick Reilly would’ve already done a Homecoming episode on him.
2. Billy Butler – Put him on a contender and he’ll have 120 RBIs. Then people will start paying attention.
3. Felix Hernandez – The mere fact that there was a debate about who would win the AL Cy Young Award this year shows he’s underrated.
4. Shin-Soo Choo – A cheaper Carl Crawford. Although I feel like he won’t be underrated for much longer.
5. David Eckstein – Just kidding. David Eckstein sucks.

Jonathan Gardner

1. Brian McCann – A bit of a homer choice, sure, but Mac has been worth 4-6 WAR every full season except one, already has hit over 100 HR, generates great offense out of the most difficult defensive position on the field, and always loses to Yadier Molina in the All-Star voting.
2. Ryan Zimmerman – Underrating is an issue of degrees so while Zimmerman is widely acknowledged to be a good player, he doesn’t get nearly enough credit for being the superstar he is, probably because he is hidden away on a team whose opening day starting pitcher will be Livan Hernandez.
3. Anibal Sanchez – Did you know that in 2010, Sanchez had a higher WAR than Cole Hamels, a lower ERA than Francisco Liriano and more Ks than Matt Garza? Because before researching this article, I did not.
4. Jason Hammel – Hammel strikes out 7 guys per 9 innings while walking 2. He has a 93 mph fastball and a plus slider, but unfortunately, he pitches in Coors Field, so his numbers don’t look as good as they could.
5. Adrian Beltre – The secret is kind of out after his excellent 2010 in Fenway, but Beltre was a productive offensive player in the cavernous Safeco Field and is an excellent defensive player, yet is still considered to be a “contract year” guy.

Dan Sweatt

1. Scott Rolen – Yes, he’s the one name you should recognize immediately on my list. But he does all the little things that don’t have stats, like running the bases and finding a way not to murder Dusty Baker.
2. Billy Butler – How you find good pitches to hit while batting in a line-up of mostly cast members from Summer Catch is beyond me.
3. Neil Walker – A second baseman with power, who hits for the same average agaisnt righties and lefties = leaving Pittsburgh as soon as possible.
4. Casey McGehee – Managed to lead the Brewers in RBI despite Prince Fielder in the same line up. Might want to rethink all those million on Lil’ Cecil Brew Crew.
5. Nick Markakis – A near 200 hit season goes unnoticed because he plays in Baltisnore. Led a dreadful team in BA, OBP, and friends.

Brennan Lowery

1. Orlando Cabrera – Stellar at defense, solid OBP year in and year out, and a name that sounds like he could be a pirate, a hero on Star Wars, or one of the Lost Boys. Tell me this wide range of characters isn’t worth adding to your team!
2. Ryan Church – Even though he is starting to get a little more recognition, I still think he isn’t paid the due he deserves. Oh well, at least he will receive his eternal reward when he joins our Father, who art in Heaven…
3. Andre Ethier – The guy catches a ton of flack for his lower-than-it-should-be batting average and, as a result, sometimes poor pitch selection, but have you seen his hair and chiseled features?! He may not be toting a rock star OBP, but there is no doubt that he is crushing in the HBP (Hot Box Percentage).
4. Edgar Renteria – Look, I get it: the dude is old, crusty, washed-up, whatever else you want to say about this old, crusty, and washed-up player. But the fact of the matter is this: when the going got tough, this guy took tough and made it his lady. He took the World Series and made it the World Renteries. When someone helps you win your first title since just after the Korean War, you keep him. Capiche?
5. Stephen Drew – Sure, sure, he just signed a two-year deal with the Diamondbacks and it seems like all is well and good, but he basically had to fight tooth and nail with them in order to stay in Arizona where a) no one wants to play anyway, b) it gets old playing in front of 1,100 fans every game, and c) Arizona. Start recognizing that he is worth the money and pony up.

Brett Kettyle

1. Ryan Zimmerman – Overshadowed by Strasburg, Zimmerman had the fourth highest WAR in the majors despite playing for a terrible Nationals team.
2. Stephen Drew – Did you know that Drew finished with the second highest WAR of all qualified shortstops this past year?
3. Andres Torres – The Giants and Buster Posey grab headlines, but it was actually Torres who led the team in WAR this past season.
4. Shin-Soo Choo – Despite being on lists like this for the past couple years, Choo continues to be underrated largely because the Indians suck.
5. Tim Hudson – Coming off an injury Hudson finished with 17 wins and a 2.83 ERA. He doesn’t blow anyone away with his stuff but uses a dominant sinker to get tons of ground balls.

Connor Doyle

1. Nick Markakis, RF Baltimore Orioles – Markakis is the closest thing to a superstar Baltimore has had since Cal Ripken (Raphael Palmeiro’s stache aside), and puts up solid number every year while playing relatively studly defense. If only the rest of the Orioles could come close (Adam Jones’ stache, I’m looking at you.)
2. Ben Zobrist, Everything Tampa Bay Rays – Who would’ve thought in the mid-90s (or early 90s…or late 90s) that the (Devil) Rays would ever have enough star power to overshadow someone like the ridiculously versatile Zobrist, but his ability to play damn near every position while providing power and speed to a lineup is invaluable. Especially after this offseason’s mass exodus from Tampa.
3. Andre Ethier, RF Los Angeles Dodgers – Despite his mysteriously genre defying hair (Seriously, look it up, is it an afro? Is it jerry curls? Is it Malfoy hair?), and despite there somehow always being a more high profile outfielder in LA, Ethier is an under the radar standout at his position (oxymorons aside).
4. Jason Kubel, DH/OF Minnesota Twins – There’s something about the Twins that makes them a perpetual producer of outfielders who go ten plus rounds into your MLB 2k(x) (x=The year it is) Fantasy Drafts. The Koobs is no exception. Plus he instantly passes the nickname test. Koobs. Nice.
5. Yadier Molina, C St. Louis Cardinals – There. I named that Molina. Yadier manages to play excellent defense and put up decent offensive numbers year in and year out, but can’t seem to get the name recognition that should bring. Plus he’s by far the most fun brother to name. Yadier. Did it again. Still fun. Thanks, Ravech.

Evan Hill

1. Shin-Soo Choo – Baseball is generally flush with talented Outfielders, but if you’re in a fantasy league, you’re aware that OF has been a weak position that last couple years. Choo is one of the few extremely talented players at his position.
2. Daric Barton – Very few people recognize the name, but the A’s first baseman’s OBP of .393 was tied for fifth in the league.
3. Shaun Marcum – Everyone is talking about the Brewers adding Zack Greinke. Well expect Marcum to make just as big an impact — the guy put up strong numbers the last three years, while pitching in the AL East.
4. Ryan Zimmerman – Most fans know this guy, as they should, but he still doesn’t get enough credit. He’s one of the very best hitters in the National League. Expect his numbers to improve as his team does.
5. Delmon Young – The guy who posted awful rookie numbers, and threw a bat at an umpire? Forget all that. This 25-year-old just had an OPS of .826.

Shin-Soo Choo, if you’re reading this, feel free to use it as a tool in your next negotiations. Anybody else, throw your own list down in the comments section. We’ll see you next week!

Check us out on Twitter @DugoutDoctors

The Top 5: Baseball Movies

Everyone wanted in on this list and it’s no surprise. Playing catch with Dad, riding bikes all around town, and breaking neighborhood windows– the memories came flooding back. That’s because this week’s list is:

The Top 5: Baseball Movies

Jonathan Gardner

1. Bull Durham – Free of the hokey Americana of most baseball films, Bull Durham is a droll and unglamorous look at the fringier side of minor league baseball.
2. The Sandlot – I hope I’m not overrating this just because I liked it so much when I was younger, but The Sandlot is very funny and more about baseball fans than baseball itself.
3. Eastbound and Down Season 1 – Not technically a movie, but I’m counting it since the six episodes play like one long, profane, twisted journey through the psyche of Kenny Powers.
4. The Bad News Bears – The Walter Matthau version, of course. And a total classic.
5. Field of Dreams – Yes its a cliche, but a heartmeltingly effective one.

Brennan Lowery

1. The Sandlot – An all-time classic with stellar re-watch value. The chase scene with the dog through the town, which takes them through a wedding party, several restaurants, and I believe a giant playground, rivals that of any other movie chase scene. And yes, I am including Speed in that debate.
2. Rookie of the Year – A super close second. When Henry strikes out the ‘roided up slugger with his mom’s patented softball pitch at the end, the tears were flowing. And you have to love classic exchanges like:
“Hey, kid! How’d you like to play for the Chicago Cubs?”
“Great! But I gotta ask my mom first.”
3. Angels in the Outfield – Danny Glover, Tony Danza, Christopher Lloyd? If this movie doesn’t spell instant classic remake then I don’t know what does. The dramatic struggle of faith for most of the characters is a powerful reminder that, in some way or another, every professional athlete is somehow cheating at all times.
4. Baseketball – Hey, you know what? It’s my list. And don’t even pretend like you and your friends didn’t do the rhythmic “giving-the-bird-then-cutting-finger-off” to each other every day for like 3 years. You didn’t? Well, it’s my list.
5. A League of Their Own – Tom Hanks plays a killer drunk in this one, Madonna before she was absolutely crazy, Rosie O’Donnell as, well, her usual annoying and terrible self, and you have an instant winner. The Kit/Dottie collision at the plate was like watching the missiles finally break through the shields on Independence Day, and this movie would have only been better if Bill Pullman had started the championship game with this mankind speech.

Tom Geiger

1. Major League – I love everything about this movie.
2. Bull Durham – Funny AND poignant.
3. A League of Their Own – Includes arguably my favorite Tom Hanks
scene of all time.
4. Field of Dreams – I always thought it was overrated but still a solid flick.
5. The Sandlot.

Evan Hill

1. The Sandlot – We used to play a game growing up that involved running away from my friend’s dog. I learned all of my moves from Benny the Jet.
2. Major League – The closest Charlie Sheen will ever come to having a heart, and he plays a character named “Wild Thing.”
3. Little Big League – Thanks to this movie, I make fantasy line-ups for every team, in the hopes of being called on to manage.
4. Rookie of the Year – Another movie that reminds me of my childhood. And remember when that doctor says “funky butt loving”? I do.
5. Angels in the Outfield – Just when I thought I had nothing left for this category, I realized I had an angel with me.

Brett Kettyle

1. Major League – “You may run like Hayes, but you hit like S#!t.”
2. Bull Durham – “You just got lesson number one: Don’t think; it can only hurt the ballclub.”
3. Field of Dreams – “Is this heaven?” “It’s Iowa.”
4. The Sandlot – “Heroes get remembered but legends never die.”
5. The Bad News Bears – “Hey Yankees… you can take your apology and your trophy and shove ‘em straight up your ass!”

Dan Sweatt

1. Bull Durham – If only for the gloriousness that is Kevin Costner’s monologue… good night
2. The Sandlot – They did what we all wanted to: french lifeguards and listen to James Earl Jones speak in person
3. Field Of Dreams – YOU TOLD ME YOUR FINGER WAS A GUN!
4. A League Of Their Own – In addition to my favorite comedic turn for Tom Hanks, this movie also boasts the only Jon Lovitz role that makes me consider the thought that he was worth to this planet
5. 61* – The film no one remembers. Is it strange that the only filmmaker to credibly grasp the stresses of Major League Baseball weights approximately the same as my right calf? Kudos, Mr. Crystal.

Michael Ferrera

1. Bull Durham – It’s legitimately funny and doesn’t coast on the inexorable link between the America’s emotional core and the sport of baseball, or whatever bullshit Mike Lupica writes.
2. The Sandlot – Did shit like this actually happen with Baby Boomers? Were there daily or weekly games of pick-up baseball in abandoned building lots? Or did it happen once, but it’s a very fun memory, so they assume it happened all the time? Shit like this certainly never happened when I grew up. My friends and I had a home run derby once on our old Little League field when I was 16. Will I write a movie when I’m 54 about all those amazing summers filled with home run derbies?
3. A League of Their Own – My cousins and I used to watch this every Christmas Eve when I was a little kid. So this movie makes me think of Santa.
4. Rookie of the Year – Right up until the point when he pitches softball style. Daniel Stern getting caught in the space between the conjoining hotel rooms was the funniest thing I saw in 1993.
5. Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch– Because I didn’t want Field of Dreams making my Top 5. Fuck you, Field of Dreams.

Anything we forgot? Scroll down to the comments section and give us a list of your own.

The Top 5: Worst Everyday Players

Though teams and GMs are more willing to consider important statistics than they used to be, a number of teams continue to give regular playing time to some flat out awful players. It’s frustrating for fans when they know a player is going to hurt their team, yet they’re in the lineup day in and day out.

And that’s what this week’s top 5 is all about. Not pitchers, not pinch hitters. Those guys who ruin your day with every at bat.

This week’s list (and you better believe there’s going to be some overlap):

The Top 5: Worst Everyday Players

Tom Geiger

1. Trevor Crowe – CF, Cleveland Indians: Had an astonishing 442 ABs despite being arguably the worst hitter in an anemic lineup. Often dominated Sportscenter’s Top 10, however.
2. Jose Lopez – 3B, Colorado Rockies: Possibly the most overpaid player in baseball (he’ll be making 3 million in 2010 as opposed to minimum wage).
3. Cezar Izturis – SS, Baltimore Orioles: A younger, slightly more powerful version of Rafael Belliard.
4. Jason Kendall – C, Kansas City Royals: Must retire.
5. Jeff Francoeur – RF, Kansas City Royals: A terrible hitter with terrible plate discipline and terrible fielding skills…now playing for a terrible team.

Dan Sweatt

1. Carlos Lee – might be lower on this list, but for $100 million, he should be an all-star AND be able to make me a quality breakfast every morning. He has the potential to do neither.
2. Jason Kendall- if you were in your prime when Griffey Baseball for N64 was out, it’s time to hang ‘em up buddy.
3. Pedro Feliz – Oh how the once somewhat decent have fallen…
4. Jeff Francoeur – Enough has been said on this website about the sadness that is his life.
5. Miguel Tejada – This guys seen more ‘roids than a proctologist, and since getting off of them, has been dreadful.

Jonathan Gardner

1. Jeff Francoeur.
2. Yuniesky Betancourt.
3. Melky Cabrera.
4. Carlos Lee.
5. Jonny Gomes.

Brennan Lowery

1. Ronny Cedeno – he’s like that super stoned guy at the Phish concert: every so often he makes sense, but generally its just gibberish and slobber.
2. Melky Cabrera – I put him in the 2 slot because that is the average number of pitches it takes to get this idiot out.
3. Matt Tuiasosopo – who? The Raiders quarterback? Oh, it’s his brother? I bet he still sucks.
4. The Baltimore Orioles – that is all.
5. Nyjer Morgan – 34 steals! Wow! 17 doubles! Whammo! 7 game suspension for throwing a baseball at a fan! Ooooooooooo…

Evan Hill

1. Jason Kendall – No HRs or Triples all season. He should have stopped playing when he broke his ankle over ten years ago.
2. Ryan Theriot – Fans will start a riot if this guy sees any sort of regular playing time in 2011.
3. Jeff Francoeur – Talk about the ultimate bust. He has the pitch selection of Vlad Guerrero with none of the ability.
4. Melky Cabrera – Leads the league in sandwiches eaten on field.
5. Yuniesky Betancourt – Congratulations Brewer fans, you traded for Zack Greinke…And a big pile of useless crap!

There you have it, everyone hates Jeff Francoeur. Disagree with our lists? Have one of your own? Throw it down in the comments section, we’d love to hear from you.

The Top 5: New Years Resolutions for Bud Selig

2011 is just around the corner, so there’s no better time to make a resolution. Only, who wants to make resolutions for themselves? We don’t want to get into the habit of improving upon our own personalities, so we’re taking aim at one of our favorite people to criticize. That’s why this week’s list is:

Top 5: New Years Resolutions for Bud Selig

Brennan Lowery

1. Resolve the lameness of the All-Star Game by introducing kegs into the bullpens, a grab-bag of hand grenades mixed with real baseballs for the umps to throw out to the pitchers, and wire the infielders like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
2. Enact new regulations in the majors that prevent the games from being videotaped, broadcast, or involved in any form of modem technology so he can continue to pretend that video technology has never, and will never, be invented.
3. Purchase what you haven’t yet of 1980′s police show wardrobes to make sure you look sharp for any and all public appearances.
4. Break into Cooperstown and Sharpie an asterisk on everything that is tainted in the public eye. Frame Barry Bonds by leaving trace amounts of his DNA throughout the hall.
5. Continue to donate 80% of annual salary to research targeted on erasing memories dating from 1992-2006.

Dan Sweatt

1. Learn The Rules Of Baseball – It’s time, Bud.
2. Move Baseball Out Of Florida – If a team with the best record in baseball can’t sell half of their tickets on a night they’re trying to clinch the division with a Cy Young contender on the mound, get out and don’t look back.
3. Find A Second Job – If Bud’s to a point where he needs to put ads on the bases, I think it might also be time to finish that Dunkin’ Donuts application.
4. Pass That Kidney Stone – Every time the camera finds his prune-like mug during a big game, I can see the struggle written across his face.
5. Regulate Walk-Up Music – Every team gets one song, to be used sparingly throughout the year. If I have to hear Pitbull or Nickelback one more time at a baseball stadium, I’m banishing myself from the game.

Evan Hill

1. Stop allowing four-year-old Granddaughter to cut my hair, I have a real job.
2. Expand playoffs to 30 teams. Every team played hard, they deserve a shot at a Championship.
3. Continue to acknowledge, yet do nothing about MLB Blackout restrictions. Sure, people pay MLB.TV or MLB Extra Innings in order to see every game, and yet the majority of Saturday games are restricted, but it’s no problem of mine. I can watch every game in my Baseball lair!
4. Get more Brewers memorabilia for aforementioned Baseball lair.
5. Form more committees. That way when people ask “Bud, what are you going to do about ______?” I can point at the committee. Also, remember to instruct committees on the art of hiding when pointed to.

Jonathan Gardner

1. Will stop calling Roger Goodell to tell him that instant replay ruins the integrity of football.
2. Will not TP Mark Cuban’s house again.
3. Will finally change phone number so Armando Galarraga stops drunk dialing at 2 in the morning.
4. Will form the Special Committee For Resolution Issues to come up with New Year’s Resolutions, and will immediately make Tony La Russa the chairman.
5. Will find a new violin to play while ignoring complaints about quality of umpiring.

Do you have any suggestions for Bud Selig? General ways to improve the game, or just simple ways to keep him from looking like a curmudgeon? Throw your top five in the comment section, we’d love to hear what you’ve come up with.

We’ll be back next week with a whole new top five.

The Top 5: Gifts for MLB Players

It’s Wednesday, and that means another top 5 list at The Dugout Doctors. We are well aware of the fact that the average MLB Player makes over $3.5 million a year and has everything they could ever need. But can you blame us for being in the spirit it of the holidays? Here’s this week’s list:

Top 5: Gifts for MLB Players

Dan Sweatt

1. Vladamir Guerrero – After clearly getting lucky by hitting balls below your ankles and above your scalp for years, imagine how much better you’ll be with these eyeglasses.
2. Jose Batista – Here’s a drug test, Sosa Jr.
3. Raul Mondesi – For Christmas, I’d like to give you some whereabouts, because about 4 years ago I just assumed you vanished off the face of the earth.
4. Tim McCarver – Enjoy this muzzle, because God knows I will.
5. Pete Rose – Long overdue, and sure, it’s a homer gift, but you deserve this Hall Of Fame Induction.

Evan Hill

1. Joe Blanton – Though he’s a pretty good pitcher, pitching along side Cliff Lee, Roy Halladay, Cole Hamels and Roy Oswalt has got to hurt a guy’s confidence. So we got him a “You’re #1″ Foam Hand.
2. Justin Morneau – After missing much of the season’s second half due to a concussion, did anyone bother to recommend Advil?
3. Dayton Moore – A Braves Hat. Though he may be the Royals GM, his 40-man roster consists of eight former Braves. We know where his heart is.
4. David Eckstein – A booster seat so he can sit with his friends.
5. Pete Rose Jr. – He was recently hired as a minor league manager in the White Sox system. We got him a scooter named Pete Rose, so he can continue to get a free ride on his Dad’s name.

Brennan Lowery

1. Brian Wilson – Hedge clippers because, seriously, gross. Just gross, Brian Wilson.
2. Zack Greinke – Good Will Hunting, so he can watch the scene where Robin Williams tells Matt Damon “it’s not your fault” over and over and over again. Zack: it’s not your fault the Royals never had something resembling baseball players around you during your time there. It’s not your fault….it’s not your fault……………it’s not your fault.
3. Jayson Werth – A stocking stuffed with fool’s gold, because the Washington Nationals just got punked too.
4. Albert Pujols – Honda Accord, recently rated the most reliable car of the decade!
5. Brian Cashman – The Ultimate Salesman: How to be the “Good Salesman” by R.D. Raak. How can you manage to bring nobody, no one, NOTHING, to NEW YORK? Have you heard that Jay-Z song? Been to New York? Speak English? Get it together, chief.

So those are our lists. Want to give us yours? Put together your own top five and post it in the comment section below. We’ll see you next week with another Top 5.

The Top 5: Players You Wouldn’t Let Date Your Daughter

Here at The Dugout Doctors, we love lists. And why shouldn’t we? They’re fun, they’re easy, they give people something to argue about, and sometimes you do them unintentionally. And who better to put a top-five list up on the internet than knowledgeable people who like to laugh?

That’s why every Wednesday, our writers and myself as editor, will be giving our selections for an MLB-related Top Five list.  Here is this week’s top 5 list:

Top 5 Players You Wouldn’t Let Date Your Daughter

Evan Hill

1. Pat Burrell – There are way too many creepy sex stories floating around the internet about the Giants new Left Fielder.
2. Shane Victorino – I honestly know nothing about his personality, and yet there’s no player I hate more.
3. A.J. Pierzynski – Forget the fact that he’s a jerk, I just want to be able to spell my grandchild’s last name.
4. Doug Fister – Not my daughter, you won’t.
5. Jayson Werth – Leads the league in “drinks spiked,” a new measurement developed by bro-statistician Brock Jefferies.

Michael Ferrera

1. Carlos Zambrano – Possibly the shortest fuse in baseball; I’d have to kill him after he hits my daughter for overcooking a steak.
2. Bryce Harper – (pictured above) Red flags galore: born in Las Vegas, got his GED after sophomore year of high school in order to be eligible for 2010 draft, participates in a non-contact sport and yet tries to emulate Samoan war paint with his eye black.
3. Daisuke Matsuzaka – He’d constantly nibble around the edges instead of just going down the middle.
4. Placido Polanco – I don’t like alliteration.
5. Carlos Lee – Having a son-in-law whose nickname is “El Caballo” (“The Horse”) makes me uncomfortable.

Dan Sweatt

1. Prince Fielder – My little girl will not be your Princess, because your father horrifies me.
2. Bronson Arroyo – I will not stand for my daughter dating that creepy guy at the party that plays guitar by the bonfire.
3. Dontrelle Willis – I do not know how he obtained the nickname “D-Train”, and I do not care to.
4. Derek Jeter – This guy’s been around more bad situations than the cast of Jersey Shore.
5. Adam Dunn – Uh, sweetheart, is it tough having to read the menu to him when you go out to dinner?

Jonathan Gardner

1. Dallas Braden – No daughter of mine is going to date a man who gets a tattoo of his area code.
2. Cliff Lee – Not after seeing the way he cruelly broke Brian Cashman’s heart.
3. Chipper Jones – I’m pretty sure my hypothetical daughter will not be working at Hooters.
4. Felix Hernandez – I simply couldn’t stand the shame of my daughter dating a pitcher who only had 11 wins.
5. A-Rod – Do I really need to explain this one?

Tom Geiger

1. Fransisco Rodriguez (Mets) - Reasonably afraid for my own safety.
2. Travis Hafner – Earned his nickname by resembling a donkey. Eventually upgraded to Shrek.
3. Shelley Duncan – Rounds bases like Mr. Larsen from Happy Gilmore (pictured below).
4. Lance Berkman – I wouldn’t let this guy tend a rabbit, much less date my daughter.
5. Luke Scott – Mainly due to the unfortunate discovery that he is, in fact, an Oriole.

So what did you think? Have a list of your own? Leave it in the comment section below.

We’ll be back with a whole new top five list next Wednesday.